Making Successful Science Students
You Want To Date My Daughter?
To whom it may concern,
Do not consider this an award letter, a notice to appear, or any form of correspondence that seeks to establish communication. I do not like you. Just so that we understand each other, I would prefer you to disappear. Unfortunately it is my understanding is that you have shown an interest in courting my daughter, whom I love and treasure with all my heart. The very young lady in whom her mother gave birth too many a year ago, and in whom since, I have guarded with all my heart, not to mention the twelve-gauge shotgun beneath my bed.
Although I believe it to be ill advised, and feel you have not given this much thought, I may be consider and accept your interest in my daughter, if you would agree to consider the following rules set fourth to anyone entertaining the remote possibility of this even becoming a reality:
Rule # 1 – If you pull into my driveway and honk your horn, you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.
Rule # 2 – You may not at any time touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her occasionally as long as you do not peer below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off my daughter I will remove them
Rule # 3 – I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and your friends are idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You come to my door with your pants ten sizes too big, I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, indeed fall off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my self-loading air pressured nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to fit your waist.
Rule # 4 – In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other current issues of the day. Please don’t do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter home safely, and the only word I need from you on this subject matter is early.
Rule # 5 – I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule # 6 – As you stand on the porch, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not fidget or become impatient. If you want to be on time for a movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is simply taking her time preparing herself to look her best for you and ensuring she is properly clothed and has applied just the right amount of make-up. Instead of just standing there, do something useful, like changing the oil in my car.
Rule # 7 – The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tanks tops, midriff t-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and goose down parka zipped up to her neck. Movies with strong romantic themes are to avoided at all times, movies with chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Nursing homes are even better.
Rule # 8 – Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a bald, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Must I remind you I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house? Do not trifle with me.
I submit these rules to you for your consideration. If you have any further questions, you may contact me through my attorney, whom will ask you to sign a waiver releasing you of all your rights.
If you should happened to be a man of God, please disregard the above and meet me at my front door. The doorbell is located to your right, about 3 feet off the ground. I would like to know your name and I am anxious to meet you. My wife and I would like the honor of welcoming you into our home. I am assuming you have given your life to Christ, and know His word well. If this is true, I surely would be willing to trust you with my daughter for an evening, in which you may enjoy her company and the happiness she has brought to our lives. All I ask is that you continue to obey God; he has great instruction in the area of courtship and great word on how my daughter should be treated. And, in return you too may receive the blessing and pleasure entrusted to me by God of watching over my daughter since the day of her birth. I look forward to meeting with you, my wife and I may have been praying for since November 25, 1997.
Sincerely,
A Loving Father Go Back To The Funny - Serious Stuff!