Making Successful Science Students
Advice For A New Father
Top Secret: Read Then Destroy
Dear Josh,
Josh, it is imperative that you read this letter, take it seriously, and then destroy it. You may eat it, burn it, or my personal favorite, include it in part of your 4th of July FIREworks display. (May I add here that I personally think that they should come up with a different word for fireworks. Putting the words fire and work together here is just wrong. Fire is not work in this case. Fireplay would be much more appropriate.) But whatever you do, do not let this fall into the hands of your wife, anyone who knows your wife, or any member of the female gender for that matter.
Now that you are about to have your first child, it is incumbent upon me tell you some of the secrets of the more important aspects of the birth process. Begin by practicing your smile now. You will understand the need for this later.
At the first sign pregnancy, open up your own food store. The only alternative to this is to park your car outside on the street, and convert your garage into a high tech food storage unit. Fill it with as much food as you can, both the imaginable and the unimaginable. If you fail to do this, you will end up in the store, at times you thought never existed, asking for food you didn’t think real people consumed. Also, have a prepared list of excuses for when she asks you to join her in a late night snack. Practice these frequently. You must always understand the following true statement. “If it doesn’t look like food, or smell like food, it isn’t food, regardless of what Amy may say or do. This is when you will begin to wonder what is happening to your beautiful, wonderful, caring wife. You are just beginning to understand the gravity of the situation and become concerned. Be very concerned.
At the first sign of contractions, do not run, rather, go to her and get her to the hospital as soon as possible where you can find yourself some help. Do not take a pregnant lady in labor on by yourself no matter what she was like in her past life. No human can do this. Think about it. Even the doctor who has spent 12 or more years in training for this has a team of experts to help him, many of which are women who have super human powers to deal with this.
Just know in advance you are going to take a beating during the birth process. Dress accordingly. You may consider head protection. While you may think a simple bicycle helmet or motorcycle helmet will suffice, I always recommend to new fathers a full on linesman football helmet with multiple chinstraps, complete mouth guard, and a neck brace. To protect vital internal organs, I suggest a jock strap with a steel cup, a bullet proof flack jacket is optional but strongly recommended.
You are going to have to be there with your wife during the entire process. Get over it, and take it like a man. Limit the number of people in the room to only the emergency personnel. This is going to be embarrassing for you enough, without all your friends seeing you taking a beating and being humiliated in a moment like this. When the pain becomes critical, you may take short breaks outside the birth suite. (There’s another oxymoron, birth-suite) Take these short breaks in between your beatings when her pain is so intense you just can’t take it anymore. Just before you exit force the smile you have been practicing, exit and close the door quickly. You don’t want to let the people outside aware of the carnage going on inside. You don’t want to start a panic. You may find that embarrassing, not to mention there may be children outside. What is going on in there in not appropriate for them to hear. It may damage them.
Don’t mess this next part up, it is critical. Be there when the baby is delivered, but stay away from any hands, feet, or teeth. Talk only when yelled at. Practice the breathing techniques you learned in class. You’ll need it because you must be there to cut the cord. When the baby gets older you will need to say things like “I brought you into this world, and I can take you out!”, and “I cut you off once, and I can do it again.”
Now that the baby is born, don’t think you are out of trouble. Begin now to think of reasons why you can’t go to baby showers. WRITE THEM DOWN!!! If you don’t enjoy being in the company of dozens of women oohhhing and aaaawwwwing at gifts that aren’t for you, you are not alone. No man does. If you failed at the excuses and you must go, again dress accordingly. Wear football, baseball, or soccer shoes, anything with cleats. Also wear sweats, your favorite sports jersey, a jock, maybe two, and shoulder pads. Heck you may even consider a full uniform of your favorite sport. (Hint: if you choose baseball you get to bring a bat. Nothing is better than a sport tool) Why all this fuss about attire? (I’m speaking of clothes here not, something you put on your truck) There is enough estrogen in the room to suck the very life out of you. After you’ve been to one of these you will notice your voice is a little higher, you stare at your hair a little longer in the mirror before you leave for work, you think small, infant babies really are cute, you think of all the thank you notes you are going to have to write, you will also notice slight hair loss.
With exposure to several of these estrogen filled events, you may notice things like: pink is not such a bad color for a truck, a little more room downstairs and a little less room upstairs, and acute hair loss. In fact you may become bald, and additional loss of hair on your head.
When you have your beautiful daughter, there are some things you are simply going to have to give up on. You will never: be able to get her hair right, understand why she did that, or why she said it like that. You will never know what set her off, or why she all of a sudden calmed down. You will never like her boyfriend and he won’t understand what the word “early” really means. You will often wander around not knowing what ‘it’ was, or if ‘it’ really is over, and you will never know if this is just the calm before the storm…. But your wife will…. She’s one of them!!!!!
Sincerely,
Eric Lucke (Dawn’s Favorite Teacher)
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